Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway – AND DO IT NOW!

I have no intention of debating the appropriateness of the word God in this quote. I am just going to say you can substitute whatever word you need to use that makes the same point. Universal force, Allah, Jehovah, etc.

COHELO

The reason the I grabbed this quote by one of my very favorite authors (you know THE ALCHEMIST)  is to clarify the feeling I have been feeling recently. Dissatisfaction with – hmm- just about everything. I have to admit, this is a familiar place for me. As a writer and an artist and self-identified outsider, it just seems I was cursed/blessed with this little niggling urge for change that won’t go away.

I have waited ever so impatiently for years to have a sense of satisfaction that other people seem to feel with life. But this thing persists in me and from time to time it stirs up and causes a heaviness in my body, that descends  like the air before a Midwestern storm.

It has often been the thing that fueled my insatiable wanderlust. Or my penchant for changing careers…(although a lot of the job-hopping had to do with the fact that I wasn’t supposed to be doing what I was doing with my life.)

And now it is banging at my door again. Something is trying to tell me I need to make changes. Drastic, irrevocable changes. Not in a year or two but NOW. I need to move forward, change everything, step out in courage and go full force into the unknown like I always have.

“Okay so what? Stop blabbering about it and just do it”, you say.   And so I will,-  But:

  1. I am getting older
  2. I have Multiple Sclerosis
  3. My energy is not what it used to be
  4. I need more money
  5. It’s too hot
  6. I’m not quite ready
  7. It is still too hot

 

 

Oh, I could go on. But the truth is. little old intrepid me has started to feel FEAR.

Fear of moving forward.    In fact, fear of moving at all.

And that reminds me as much as anything that it is time to pull up my big girl pants and do something extraordinary, something completely, mind-blowingly  FEARLESS.

Because if I start giving in to the fear of not being worthy, healthy, strong, or adaptable, I will become the embodiment of all of those quicker than you can say Howdy Doody!

I know as well as anyone it doesn’t take much to squeeze the life and energy out of a person. We do it to ourselves all the time. I have seen it happen to many in my MS community, and I have seen it happen to many friends my age who are not facing chronic illness.

I can sense it happening to me.

Which  is why I realize I am in a fight for survival. Not the survival of a terminal illness, but the survival of my will, character, and spirit.

Yep, you are darned right I am dissatisfied with the way things are in my life right now.

I have become too comfortable, it has gotten too easy to just let time go by without really trying to do something meaningful, adventurous and fulfilling.

It is so temping to let the clock tick unchallenged. In my world, TV, movies, and the Internet are mortal enemies. I have to slash them before they conquer me.

You bet that dissatisfaction is persisting, and it is telling me it’s time to make changes and move forward.

Do I know exactly WHAT changes I need to make?

I have some ideas, some BIG ideas.

But what needs to happen here is movement towards making those ideas become reality. They cannot just remain BIG ideas or they will forever be lost…and one day, they will be on that list of the things I REGRET not having done with my life.

Where is this all going to lead? Hopefully towards a few moments of satisfaction when I don’t have constantly feel that urge to move on, and blow up everything in reach, simply for the sake of massive change.

Then again, I have a suspicion that no matter what I path I forge, no matter how I decide to shake things up and cause a stir, as long as I am breathing, I will always have a bit of Kali, the destroyer, Yemaya the Yoruban goddess of the sea, and the independence of Artemis running through  my blood.

To Be Continued…………

 

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The Challenge: Self-Like vs. Would Change!

So the challenge for today is to answer the following:

  1. What do you especially like about yourself?
  2. What would you change if you could?

Let’s start on the positive…

What I like about myself.

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I like that I am 62 years old and can still rock weird glasses, tattoos, dreadlocks, and Dr. Martens. I like that I don’t do it to be young or trendy, I do it because it is who I am.

I like that I wear 13 silver bracelets on one arm EVERYDAY, and a silver cuff given to me by a Long Neck Karen girl named Moo-chi on the other. I like the fact that I really hate gold and diamonds, but I love silver and semi-precious stones. Which means I like that I am not pretentious. Not that everyone who likes diamonds and gold would be.  But if I said I did, I would be lying.

I like that I really don’t know anyone like me. I am an endangered species, a one of a kind. A precious treasure.

I like that when I truly, and I do mean truly, set out to do something, I do it. Law of attraction, stubbornness, obsessive? I don’t know which of those is the reason, but it works for me – when I TRULY work it.

I like that I just got my DNA done and I am an incredible mix of people from all over the world. The Baltic, The Mediterranean, Northern Europe, West Africa, North Africa, Great Britain, India, and the Western Semite countries.   All wrapped up in one 5’1 ½” person.

I like the fact that I never want to stop learning, or teaching, that I am an incurable researcher, and student of life.

I like it that I love animals, and they love me.   Sometimes, I think I like them best of all.

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I like my face, my brain (not so sure about the MS part of it) and my ability to keep going when I know I could have, and maybe should have stopped long ago.

I like my continual search for spiritual self-awareness. I like that it defines a large part of who I am. And I like knowing that I was probably meant to be a nun or some type of monastic…even though my marriage record belies that fact!

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I like that when I go to the D’Orsay Museum in Paris, I can stand in front of a Van Gogh and unashamedly cry real tears.

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I like my temperament, not my temper, which I must say has mellowed with age to almost non-existent…

Except when someone cuts me off in traffic

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I like that I have been blessed enough to have such a wonderful supportive family, who I feel love from everyday.

 

And, I really truly like knowing that I have so many things to list in the like column. There were times in my life when the LIKE list would have been a couple of sentences.

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NOW, for the “What would you change?”

 

Okay… first of all I would get rid of this nasty little thing called ADD. I have the dreamy non-hyperactive kind. The kind that makes me less organized that I would like. (Oh, who am I kidding? A desk with more than two papers on it throws me into a panic!) b0eb834f19deadcdec4d065d4ac0c5d3

I would have a place for everything and everything in its place. (I do try, I really, really do!)

I would not procrastinate. Or have twenty projects going at the same time.

I would be a whiz at self-promotion.

I would know how to sing without gathering all the dogs to my front door!

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I would be more thoughtful of other people.

Less focused on pain.

More forgiving over long gone hurts.

More in touch with my heart chakra.

I would work harder.

Sleep better.

Eat better.

Exercise more.

I would keep my mind on the infinite power of creation, and I would give thanks everyday without fail.

There you have it. My two lists.

 NOW IT’S YOUR TURN !

I don’t like feeling all alone out here!!

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Eva and the Kayak! (my granddaughter’s You Tube video)

So here it is…I am shamelessly asking for people to subscribe to my granddaughter’s YouTube Channel.  She wants to earn a party by getting subscribers, and I want her to have that party…right now I think she has – TWO people  – and one is me!   So how about helping a kid out and at the same time you get to see what an 8 year old is up to!

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If Money Were No Object?

Someone asked me what I would do if money were no object…and I love this question.

It is probably not what you would think at all.

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First thing I would do is put on a backpack and travel to every country in the world. First just to set foot on the ground and next I would travel to all of the spiritually significant places I have not visited so far. I would somehow spread awareness about Multiple Sclerosis and  be an international  spokesperson for the cause!

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I would buy a two bedroom cottage somewhere in Mexico, Spain or a South American country….(because of the Spanish) a place where it never gets too hot or too cold, and an Old English Sheepdog. I am pretty sure I would have a live in maid., as I really am not good at cooking and cleaning.

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She could take care of my dog, when I am away. A macaw, an African gray, probably a couple of cats..

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I would bring home my treasures, and then I would probably spend some time teaching teen aged girls art, or life lessons.

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I would donate money to MS research of course and animal welfare…I might even start a shelter for animals

I would spend my days without TV – I would write, sit in the shade, paint and meditate.

If money were no object I would hop back and forth from the USA to Bahrain so that I could visit my daughters and their families a lot.

That’s it. No my ambitions are not lofty, but they are mine.  And that’s all they need to be.

If money were no object what would YOU do?

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