I have no intention of debating the appropriateness of the word God in this quote. I am just going to say you can substitute whatever word you need to use that makes the same point. Universal force, Allah, Jehovah, etc.
The reason the I grabbed this quote by one of my very favorite authors (you know THE ALCHEMIST) is to clarify the feeling I have been feeling recently. Dissatisfaction with – hmm- just about everything. I have to admit, this is a familiar place for me. As a writer and an artist and self-identified outsider, it just seems I was cursed/blessed with this little niggling urge for change that won’t go away.
I have waited ever so impatiently for years to have a sense of satisfaction that other people seem to feel with life. But this thing persists in me and from time to time it stirs up and causes a heaviness in my body, that descends like the air before a Midwestern storm.
It has often been the thing that fueled my insatiable wanderlust. Or my penchant for changing careers…(although a lot of the job-hopping had to do with the fact that I wasn’t supposed to be doing what I was doing with my life.)
And now it is banging at my door again. Something is trying to tell me I need to make changes. Drastic, irrevocable changes. Not in a year or two but NOW. I need to move forward, change everything, step out in courage and go full force into the unknown like I always have.
“Okay so what? Stop blabbering about it and just do it”, you say. And so I will,- But:
- I am getting older
- I have Multiple Sclerosis
- My energy is not what it used to be
- I need more money
- It’s too hot
- I’m not quite ready
- It is still too hot
Oh, I could go on. But the truth is. little old intrepid me has started to feel FEAR.
Fear of moving forward. In fact, fear of moving at all.
And that reminds me as much as anything that it is time to pull up my big girl pants and do something extraordinary, something completely, mind-blowingly FEARLESS.
Because if I start giving in to the fear of not being worthy, healthy, strong, or adaptable, I will become the embodiment of all of those quicker than you can say Howdy Doody!
I know as well as anyone it doesn’t take much to squeeze the life and energy out of a person. We do it to ourselves all the time. I have seen it happen to many in my MS community, and I have seen it happen to many friends my age who are not facing chronic illness.
I can sense it happening to me.
Which is why I realize I am in a fight for survival. Not the survival of a terminal illness, but the survival of my will, character, and spirit.
Yep, you are darned right I am dissatisfied with the way things are in my life right now.
I have become too comfortable, it has gotten too easy to just let time go by without really trying to do something meaningful, adventurous and fulfilling.
It is so temping to let the clock tick unchallenged. In my world, TV, movies, and the Internet are mortal enemies. I have to slash them before they conquer me.
You bet that dissatisfaction is persisting, and it is telling me it’s time to make changes and move forward.
Do I know exactly WHAT changes I need to make?
I have some ideas, some BIG ideas.
But what needs to happen here is movement towards making those ideas become reality. They cannot just remain BIG ideas or they will forever be lost…and one day, they will be on that list of the things I REGRET not having done with my life.
Where is this all going to lead? Hopefully towards a few moments of satisfaction when I don’t have constantly feel that urge to move on, and blow up everything in reach, simply for the sake of massive change.
Then again, I have a suspicion that no matter what I path I forge, no matter how I decide to shake things up and cause a stir, as long as I am breathing, I will always have a bit of Kali, the destroyer, Yemaya the Yoruban goddess of the sea, and the independence of Artemis running through my blood.
To Be Continued…………